lullaby II (new and hopefully improved)

[honeyk]

nightly he slips under my skin
a feeling almost wicked (for God must turn away)
i love his silhouette in summer moonlight
streaming through my open window
the taste of his mouth
soft but desperate
we dance in an awkward rhythm
to an inconsistant measure
he murmer softly in my hair
but the music ends
the moon goes down
and i am left
naked and tingling

[Pixelina]

i like the begining, the idea, the word choice, but it gets choppy towards the end in the last 4 or 5 lines

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[Hannibal]

Hmmmm on second thought, I like Drunk and Tingling.
Sorry, I realize it's a pain, but maybe it took that to help me see that the original ending did fit quite nice.
Unless you could play with other unique words. *shrugs*

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[honeyk]

thanks for the comments...let me see if i can make this thing work....(tell me waht you think, hannibal...you are being a huge help on this one!)

nightly he slips under my skin
a feeling almost wicked
(I did not take time to pray)
i love his silhouette in summer moonlight
streaming through the open window
the taste of his mouth
soft but desperatly searching for mine
we danced in awkward rhythm to s measure inconsistant
he softly murmered words of wanting
in my twisted, tangled hair
but the music ended when the moon went down
and i am left here lying naked
drunk and tingling


is that any better?
thanks for the help


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[Hannibal]

This I like. Good additions *and nice use of side thought* I'm afraid some would venture to disagree *as there are always some* but this one I like. *grins* It's developed wonderfully!

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As miserable as life may be I hold it pretty precious...

If I lose the light of the sun, I will write by candlelight, moonlight, no light. If I lose paper and ink, I wil write in blood on forgotten walls. I will write always, I will capture nights all over the world and bring them to you.

[Soiled Soul]

I really like the second version it flows nicely and a good choice of wording. but I think I have to be the one who is going to venture to disagree. I like the original better, yes its kind of choppy but I think that fits better it has its own awkward rhythm i think the style and less wording really fits the meaning of the poem better. but thats just me there both good, i just like the first one better.

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